Sometimes it is so not fair.

I don't even have words. If you have a moment, please say a prayer, and post a comment, and hug your loved ones a little closer.

http://tipsontriplets.wordpress.com/

sadness

I debated whether I should post anything about this, we have been very private this go-round with our infertility issues.

However, I'm so sad, and it's so awful. Infertility is no better the second time around. We've used all the money we have on cycle after cycle of treatments, and I just found out yesterday (the last cycle we could afford) that it was all a bust.

I know I have my boys to look at, to cuddle, and to love. I am infinitely thankful for that. But I know I am not done having children. I do not know if I will ever be able to have another, and that devastates me. I am tired of charting, tired of temping, tired of shots, and tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests.

It has been a very rough week. A large part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and avoid the world. The other half of me is putting on a happy face and just moving on. My heart is crying. I hate being infertile.

unsolicited thoughts and anger

Sorry to have been MIA so long, I was pretty sick this week.

Have you ever wished for your kids to have special needs? I know I didn't. On Tuesday we have our first meeting with the school district about the boys being tested to qualify for special needs preschool.

I know many people think that "special needs" means mentally disabled. It's a blanket term that can describe many things. I was pretty hurt when a family member told me this week that they don't think the boys have special needs, or really any "needs" at all. I use this blog as my outlet, but I will freely admit it is read by family members. However, I have to use this place to vent my feelings. It hurt very much. I believe that this statement was based on the thought that "special needs" means that my children are mentally disabled. They are not. However, they have diagnosed issues, and developmental delays. That is certain. And to hear this statement as we prepare to have this important meeting is frustrating and hurtful.

I know it is my job to educate. I know it is my job to be compassionate. But part of me (the mama bear part?) is mad as hell. Until you live it, you have no idea. It is heartbreaking to me to think that my kids might not ever enjoy playing in the snow, Jack might not ever be coordinated enough to play competitive sports, and Summy might always struggle with anxiety and fear. Today we went to our local science museum and Summy became panic stricken. The room we entered had a large, spinning propeller and he was so afraid, he ran screaming the other way as fast as possible. He was shuddering and shaking for 20 minutes.

I pray the boys qualify. They need it. Sometimes I find it so hard to explain sensory processing disorder to friends and family. Sometimes I get tired of people telling me "it just seems like they are so normal." I wonder why their therapists, and doctors, and teachers would express concern if there was nothing there.

It makes me cringe to read on the evaluations "at the level of an 18 month old." It tears me up. But then we move forward and do something about it. We have to.

Busy week

To say that this week has been hectic is an understatement. The boys have had their ups and downs as well as they adjust to being in full time daycare. Thankfully, after a lot of discussion and work on both our part and the part of the boys' OT, the daycare is doing a great job of implementing strategies to help to boys be successful in their room. Of course, Jack had 2 incident reports this week because he hurt himself. (Thanks postural disorder/dyspraxia!) Slowly but surely we are getting adjusted. I haven't caught up on blogs, and I apologize.

To add another few layers of stress, David was out of town on and off this week. He had both out of town meetings for work, and his great uncle died so he was busy with the viewing and funeral. Charles was a wonderful person and one of my favorite people in David's family. Both he and his wife Peggy always treated our boys as their own great grandchildren.

I promise to catch up more this weekend, just wanted to update!

Summers off

Being a teacher has its amazing positives. "Summers off" is a big one. I put that in quotations because I know that teachers never really get summers off. There are the meetings, the extensive coursework required to maintain licensure, and the additional school related things that fill the down time.

The opportunity to spend the summer months with my boys is not lost on me. I enjoyed every moment this summer even more than I could have imagined. I don't know if it is the boys' ages, that they are more interactive, or that the new house and yard have allotted us more space to be free. I do know that I cannot bear the thought of my impending return to work.

I rarely talk about my work, but it truly is my passion. I enjoy teaching music to children, and I enjoy imparting my love of music to them. Seeing a kid play their first note on their instrument, and hearing their final concert at the end of the year and knowing I taught them how to play gives me an amazing feeling. Watching my first graders faces when they realize they just sang a song that they read off the staff is priceless. Seeing my kindergarten students "graduate" to middle school is a wonderful and heartbreaking thing. It is impossible to believe time moves so fast, and the connections I make with my students is as if they are my own.

So I am dreading my return to work in a little over a week. Not because it doesn't inspire me to teach my students, but because I miss my own two boys so dearly. I think the amazing progress they have made this summer has compounded this feeling. I know that they enjoy being in their"class," have their "friends" and love their teacher, but being without them during the day almost feels as if I travel through my day without a limb. Or a piece of my soul.

I'm trying to savor the last few days.

Bittersweet visit

Yesterday we spent the day in Dayton visitng D's mom and dad and his Mamaw. Recently, we found out she had 2 tumors in her brain. This morning she underwent surgery which was a success and the surgeon feels he got all the tumors, but we wait to see how she'll be when she wakes up. They were cancerous, so they went ahead and gave her some chemo already. Yesterday was sad and happy. It was wonderful to visit with Mamaw and D's family, and seeing Mamaw with the boys was wonderful. However, on the way home, we both cried when we talked about it. It seems like this has been a hard year, and it's not often I think in depth about mortality, but neither of us wanted to leave when it came right down to it.

I'll keep you update as to how everything's going. I took lots of pictures as well and will post some.