I need healing

I went in last Thursday for my routine OBGYN exam. While I was there, we talked about plans for baby #3 (down the road in a few years) Jack weaning (as much as I don't want to admit it, it's happening. Where have my babies gone again?) And my sad sad state of a belly. It's a frightening mess really. And we discussed the delivery.

I broke down and sobbed on the exam table. I am not alright. I am not. As much as I want to be strong, and think that I am okay with what happened, I really am not. I still have flashbacks. Most of them are to the bed where I am bleeding out, but some of them are on the operating table where they are cutting me open, or the anesthesiologist is pushing on my throat so I won't aspirate while I go under. There's also the memory of waking up in the room alone, not knowing if they made it. Just typing this makes me teary.

I don't really discuss this. Sure, my husband and my close friends know that I get upset, or that I'm not over it, but I don' tell people that the smell of the soap at the hospital when my best friend had her baby makes me flashback, or that the certain pitch of a beep can bring me back to the NICU with a thud.

And the only people out there who understand this, in your own ways, are you, my fellow bloggers/readers. Some of you have lost some beautiful angels. Some of you endured deliveries of your own. Or NICU time. Or are suffering through a devastating infertility journey.

For all the love I have for the boys, I feel embarrassed to still fell this way. But it is like I am HAUNTED by it.

So we discussed it and she gave me a name. I haven't called the insurance yet, but I plan to. She really feels I need a few years to deal with this before I am pregnant again, however that happens. (And hopefully when that happens.) I just need to become brave enough to move forward with it. I need to not be scared about the next time around. I want the next delivery, whatever it is (OBGYN feels b/c of the trauma to my uterus, it'll probably be a scheduled c section) to be something healing.

Reflections on 2007

I feel as if I would be remiss not to sit back and reflect a little on what the past year has dealt us. I remember New Year's 2007...the excitement of thinking about the birth of the boys and getting to meet them. Could I have ever imagined being blindsided like I was?

My top thing to be thankful for in 2008 is my life. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I've been reading more and more on complete placental abruptions and I need to thank God I was in that hospital and we all survived.

As the boys' 1 year birthday approches, I find myself thinking and dwelling more and more on those scary days leading up to and including the birth of the tader tots. Books I have been reading warned that the first birthday can be a time of great anxiety and sadness, and they were right. My mind can't help but drift back to "what was going on one year ago today?"

Even looking through old pictures can be upsetting. D was awesome to take a ton of pictures after the birth, including one of me as they wheeled me through the NICU, half comatose, to see the babies. I remember blurry blobs, being so scared, and in so much pain. I didn't even know he was there.



It's hard to look forward. Sometimes when you have a preemie, it's hard to imagine what they *will* be. I wouldn't have guessed they'd be waving bye bye at the end of this year. Or feeding themselves puffs, or sitting. And as I look forward, I anxiously await what this year will hold: walking, first words, and many more exciting developments.

It's hard to look forward without first looking back.

I forgot!

Sumner and Jack are now both in the 5 pound club!!!!!!!

update

Hi all!

Well, we jinxed ourselves again! We went to babies r us yesterday to get some last minute things because we thought the boys might be coming home in the next few days...only to find out last night we have had another little setback. Sumner had a "brady" (heartrate drop) while eating and had to be stimulated to bring it up, so the earliest he could come home would be wed-fri. We thought he might be home in the next few days because he has really seemed to get the hang of eating, but now we think he's trying to stay and come home with his brother! (That's what we hope too...we want them both home together!) Jack is still "destating" (forgetting to breathe) while eating, so he's working on getting the whole eating thing down.

Quick update

We've had a hard 48 hours here. We were quoted that the boys may come home as early as today, and probably for sure by Sunday, but they've both had setbacks: Sumner's having eating problems, and Jack is having "desats" (not enough oxygen in his blood) and had a heartrate spell where they had to shake him to bring him back. We're both tired and as you can imagine, very worried. We're now back to the holding pattern...no idea when they'll be home now. We appreciate all thoughts and prayers. Keep them coming.

Update on me

I am now 3 days off my heavy-duty (read: I could sell them for diaper money) pain meds, and now on lesser ones. I am also 3 days into walking to the NICU from the hospital front doors without a wheelchair. And my incision became infected, but seems to be more under control, and I now have THRUSH....which stinks, but hopefully the meds they gave me will kick that too. Slowly but surely, I am plugging away...

Update

Hi all!

Just a quick check in...We're thinking about changing our mailing address to that of Riverside Hospital because we are there so much!

The boys are doing well...both on room air, no breathing assistance, and in cribs. We're working on the whole "suck, swallow, breathe" thing right now. Strangely, the boys seem to be much better breastfeeders than bottle feeders, which is sort of rare. Both are over 4 1/2 pounds and gaining steadily. We still have no date on when they'll be home, but people are starting to hint it might be coming up sometime in the next few weeks. Today we went to sign up for CPR and they told us to sign up for an earlier date....a good sign? They are always really non-committal and aloof about it. So we wait...

Today was my shower and it was awesome...hard to drag myself to...felt like I was propping myself up and smiling and trying not to look like I was ready to crash from being tired. But, it was wonderful to see friends and family, and we got so many nice gifts! There's no way to express how thankful we are for all the support and love we've gotten.

Thanks for all your continued prayers and support. We appreciate any kind thoughts you send our way.

:)

Meghan (and David and Sumner and Jackson)

This "milk goddess" is still in the hospital.

So last night right as we were about to leave they took my temp and it was over 101. I cried so hard b/c they told me I had to stay again for another night. Turns out...I am a milk goddess!

So I am apparantly a "hyperlactator." I guess it is really rare, and now I have to try and cut my milk down, since I am pretty much falling asleep at the pump. The nurses keep making snide comments that are hurting my feelings, but the nice lactation lady is going to come help me and make a "game plan." Hopefully, I can get the milk under control. The lady called me a "milk goddess" which made me feel so weird....guess it's better than "cow" which the nurses have been calling me.

The boys are here!

I just wanted to let you all know that after some hospital time, (I was admitted on Feb 11th) and a very scary delivery, our boys are here! Sumner Riley and Jackson Finley were both born at 5:34 am on 2/15. Sumner weighed 4 lbs 1 oz and Jackson weighed 4 lbs 2 oz. They were born at 32w 4d, after a placental abruption, via c-section, and I was knocked out under general anesthesia. We are so thankful they are both doing well, and in the care of the Riverside NICU unit. Thanks for all your kind thoughts and well wishes...they helped me get through bedrest, and much hospital time. I'm hoping to be released Monday or Tuesday. I will post pictures and a birth story tomorrow.