Sunday, October 26, 2008

I need healing

I went in last Thursday for my routine OBGYN exam. While I was there, we talked about plans for baby #3 (down the road in a few years) Jack weaning (as much as I don't want to admit it, it's happening. Where have my babies gone again?) And my sad sad state of a belly. It's a frightening mess really. And we discussed the delivery.

I broke down and sobbed on the exam table. I am not alright. I am not. As much as I want to be strong, and think that I am okay with what happened, I really am not. I still have flashbacks. Most of them are to the bed where I am bleeding out, but some of them are on the operating table where they are cutting me open, or the anesthesiologist is pushing on my throat so I won't aspirate while I go under. There's also the memory of waking up in the room alone, not knowing if they made it. Just typing this makes me teary.

I don't really discuss this. Sure, my husband and my close friends know that I get upset, or that I'm not over it, but I don' tell people that the smell of the soap at the hospital when my best friend had her baby makes me flashback, or that the certain pitch of a beep can bring me back to the NICU with a thud.

And the only people out there who understand this, in your own ways, are you, my fellow bloggers/readers. Some of you have lost some beautiful angels. Some of you endured deliveries of your own. Or NICU time. Or are suffering through a devastating infertility journey.

For all the love I have for the boys, I feel embarrassed to still fell this way. But it is like I am HAUNTED by it.

So we discussed it and she gave me a name. I haven't called the insurance yet, but I plan to. She really feels I need a few years to deal with this before I am pregnant again, however that happens. (And hopefully when that happens.) I just need to become brave enough to move forward with it. I need to not be scared about the next time around. I want the next delivery, whatever it is (OBGYN feels b/c of the trauma to my uterus, it'll probably be a scheduled c section) to be something healing.


Sara said...

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I was very disappointed in my 1st delivery but I know I can't even imagine your level of pain where this is concerned. I do believe you can work past it with some help. I hope you can find peace and your next pregnancy be one of joy. ((HUGS))

Kim and Dave said...

I'm praying that you find peace of mind. I'm just so sorry.

Liz said...

I understand exactly what you are going through. I still have the same thoughts. Not every day or anything but there are certain things that can take me back the NICU too. I sometimes think I need to talk to someone too. It's okay. You had a traumatic experience. It's a lot for anyone to handle.

Harris Boys said...

I'm so sorry. I can't really relate to the NICU time, but I just wanted to say I hope you find some peace with everything and are able to move on and get a clear head. its perfectly normal and glad you realized something was wrong. Thinking about you!

rachael said...

i am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time, if you need anything you can always email me. i will be praying that you find peace!

Danica Lynn said...

I'm sorry Meghan. I hope you find the peace that you need so that you can heal. My heart is with you. Love you!

Gwen said...

I'm so sorry it's still so painful. I still feel sad about my delivery, and the NICU time, but it was less traumatic than your experience. There's nothing wrong with still being upset about it. I think a lot more people have trauma over birth than we realize, because it's not acceptable to talk about it. Some treatment will be a good thing for you, and I'll hope for you too that the next pregnancy and delivery is calm and healing and joyful. :)

Following Him said...

I hope that you can find peace soon. Call the insurance. Everyone eventually needs to talk it out and there is NO SHAME in that!!! Hugs to you!!!

BoufMom9 said...

OH. I am so sad reading this. Although I don't think I have experienced anywhere near the trama you have, I am all too familiar with having trouble getting past horrific things that have happened in my life.
I will pray for you to find peace & healing.