.jpg)
I went in last Thursday for my routine OBGYN exam. While I was there, we talked about plans for baby #3 (down the road in a few years) Jack weaning (as much as I don't want to admit it, it's happening. Where have my babies gone again?) And my sad sad state of a belly. It's a frightening mess really. And we discussed the delivery.
I broke down and sobbed on the exam table. I am not alright. I am not. As much as I want to be strong, and think that I am okay with what happened, I really am not. I still have flashbacks. Most of them are to the bed where I am bleeding out, but some of them are on the operating table where they are cutting me open, or the anesthesiologist is pushing on my throat so I won't aspirate while I go under. There's also the memory of waking up in the room alone, not knowing if they made it. Just typing this makes me teary.
I don't really discuss this. Sure, my husband and my close friends know that I get upset, or that I'm not over it, but I don' tell people that the smell of the soap at the hospital when my best friend had her baby makes me flashback, or that the certain pitch of a beep can bring me back to the NICU with a thud.
And the only people out there who understand this, in your own ways, are you, my fellow bloggers/readers. Some of you have lost some beautiful angels. Some of you endured deliveries of your own. Or NICU time. Or are suffering through a devastating infertility journey.
For all the love I have for the boys, I feel embarrassed to still fell this way. But it is like I am HAUNTED by it.
So we discussed it and she gave me a name. I haven't called the insurance yet, but I plan to. She really feels I need a few years to deal with this before I am pregnant again, however that happens. (And hopefully when that happens.) I just need to become brave enough to move forward with it. I need to not be scared about the next time around. I want the next delivery, whatever it is (OBGYN feels b/c of the trauma to my uterus, it'll probably be a scheduled c section) to be something healing.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I was very disappointed in my 1st delivery but I know I can't even imagine your level of pain where this is concerned. I do believe you can work past it with some help. I hope you can find peace and your next pregnancy be one of joy. ((HUGS))
blueladybug
I'm praying that you find peace of mind. I'm just so sorry.
I understand exactly what you are going through. I still have the same thoughts. Not every day or anything but there are certain things that can take me back the NICU too. I sometimes think I need to talk to someone too. It's okay. You had a traumatic experience. It's a lot for anyone to handle.
I'm so sorry. I can't really relate to the NICU time, but I just wanted to say I hope you find some peace with everything and are able to move on and get a clear head. its perfectly normal and glad you realized something was wrong. Thinking about you!
i am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time, if you need anything you can always email me. i will be praying that you find peace!
I'm sorry Meghan. I hope you find the peace that you need so that you can heal. My heart is with you. Love you!
I'm so sorry it's still so painful. I still feel sad about my delivery, and the NICU time, but it was less traumatic than your experience. There's nothing wrong with still being upset about it. I think a lot more people have trauma over birth than we realize, because it's not acceptable to talk about it. Some treatment will be a good thing for you, and I'll hope for you too that the next pregnancy and delivery is calm and healing and joyful. :)
I hope that you can find peace soon. Call the insurance. Everyone eventually needs to talk it out and there is NO SHAME in that!!! Hugs to you!!!
~Elyse~
OH. I am so sad reading this. Although I don't think I have experienced anywhere near the trama you have, I am all too familiar with having trouble getting past horrific things that have happened in my life.
I will pray for you to find peace & healing.
(((HUGS)))
Post a Comment