32 weeks 4 days

Today is the day that I delivered the boys. 32 weeks, 4 days. I have been an emotional wreck, honestly. I cannot help but think about what I was doing at this time, the last time around. I am so thankful that I have made it this far in my pregnancy. So far, things have gone pretty well. I've got varicose veins, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I've been so tired I can barely walk some days, but it has been NOTHING like it was this time, last time.

I am so glad that I am writing this post. I have been trying hard not to be anxious. Tomorrow I will be the most pregnant I have ever been. Hoping tomorrow starts a new day, and less worry.

Theraputic

Last night was happy. Happy and sad. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be reliving the delivery moment by moment. I cried a lot, but it was wonderful to say it and put it out there. We went over a brief history of my family, physical history, and then I told her how it (the delivery) happened. She agreed that she strongly feels I have post traumatic stress disorder and thinks that she'll be able to teach me coping strategies and "change my point of view" on the delivery. She was very kind and really listened to me.

The therapist specializes in a particular method of treating PTSD called EMDR. From the website:

"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)1 is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies2.

EMDR is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.

During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is "dual stimulation" using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set."

I find this to be extremely interesting and she said this process would be used further down the road of treatment. Overall I left feeling like a big weight had been lifted from me. It was almost the relaxation your body feels after a really good massage. Our next session is on Monday.

Busy busy day!

It was a rough day today! The rundown:

Jack had his allergist appointment this morning. They ran the pinprick testing on his back and the good news is that he has no food allergies. The bad news is that the doctor ordered a blood panel to check for penicillin allergy.

The pipes froze in the garage and burst

I spent approximately eleventy billion minutes on the phone taking care of a ton of stuff

Jack's ENT appointment was scheduled a week from Thursday

Our car needs repaired

and Jack had to have blood drawn this evening. One of the saddest things I've had to go through since the NICU. He inherited my tiny veins so it took a very long time to get the blood. I had to try really hard not to cry.

Tonight I go for my first therapy session to deal with the labor and delivery and placental abruption. Please wish me luck, I'll let everyone know how it goes.

I need healing

I went in last Thursday for my routine OBGYN exam. While I was there, we talked about plans for baby #3 (down the road in a few years) Jack weaning (as much as I don't want to admit it, it's happening. Where have my babies gone again?) And my sad sad state of a belly. It's a frightening mess really. And we discussed the delivery.

I broke down and sobbed on the exam table. I am not alright. I am not. As much as I want to be strong, and think that I am okay with what happened, I really am not. I still have flashbacks. Most of them are to the bed where I am bleeding out, but some of them are on the operating table where they are cutting me open, or the anesthesiologist is pushing on my throat so I won't aspirate while I go under. There's also the memory of waking up in the room alone, not knowing if they made it. Just typing this makes me teary.

I don't really discuss this. Sure, my husband and my close friends know that I get upset, or that I'm not over it, but I don' tell people that the smell of the soap at the hospital when my best friend had her baby makes me flashback, or that the certain pitch of a beep can bring me back to the NICU with a thud.

And the only people out there who understand this, in your own ways, are you, my fellow bloggers/readers. Some of you have lost some beautiful angels. Some of you endured deliveries of your own. Or NICU time. Or are suffering through a devastating infertility journey.

For all the love I have for the boys, I feel embarrassed to still fell this way. But it is like I am HAUNTED by it.

So we discussed it and she gave me a name. I haven't called the insurance yet, but I plan to. She really feels I need a few years to deal with this before I am pregnant again, however that happens. (And hopefully when that happens.) I just need to become brave enough to move forward with it. I need to not be scared about the next time around. I want the next delivery, whatever it is (OBGYN feels b/c of the trauma to my uterus, it'll probably be a scheduled c section) to be something healing.

Crying, 14 months later

The boys were 14 months yesterday...I'll post pics this weekend.

E and I went to a local craft show of WOHM this weekend. We approached a doula booth and I started to get upset. The woman there immediately exclaimed..."I know you from somewhere." We began the old "rattle off everything you can think of you might have in commmon" thing, and came up with nothing.

As I was walking away, I said "this kinda makes me feel upset, as I feel I really had little to no control over my own birth with my twins."

She asked "what happened?"

and I said "placental abruption"

All of a sudden her face dropped and she started to tear up. She said "honey, I was in the OR when your boys were born. I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, here's my information. Are they doing OK?" (THIS, we then found out, is how she knew me so well.)

I immediately started sobbing. I don't know what made me more upset: she remembered me (was the birth that bad? obviously it was!) or the wave of emotions/feelings/memories that immediately hit me in that moment. We had to turn around and leave. Thankfully E and I sat in that car while she kindly let me cry.

Repost of what I posted on the nest/in the hospital!

From Erin:

Without going into all the gory details, Meghan had to go to the hospital last night. Both her & the babies are doing well and she will be able to leave on Sun. Unfortunately, from here on out she is on bedrest. (Which sounds kind of nice, but leaves alot of important things undone.) So if you could send prayers/ good thoughts her way that she feels better and doesn't stress out and that there aren't any further complications,that would be much appreciated. :) erin

From me: update on Sunday after being released

Sat at 3 am I woke to a huge amount of bleeding. I've never been so scared in my life, and thankfully, by the grace of God, they are still in there, After finding out they were still OK in there, they started asking us about delivery, and asked if we wanted to know about survival rates. I hope I never am asked that again.I was admitted, and thankfully the bleeding stopped. So far, so good. They think my cervix may have shortened, and that might have caused it. we're now in a frantic dash to try and ready ourselves in case. I go back tomorrow and might be readmitted depending on what the perinatologist says...The funny part is that the tots were so excited every time they heard their heartbeats, they tried to kick the monitors off! I've never been so thankful to have such active boys!I'm setting small goals: right now it's 30w, 2 weeks from today. I'm still holding out hope for good news tomorrow.I'll try to keep you updated, I can use D's laptop today (it's for work) but I am going to have serious nest withdrawal...LOL! I might be allowed to get online 15 or 30 min a day...we'll see.Thanks everyone for the prayers...keep them coming, their what helped us get PG in the first place. I am just glad everyone's healthy/alive/OK. We appreciate the offers of help, but because there's a high chance they will be here early, we may need more help later, and we're covered for now. Signing off from the unfun bedrest..lets hope it's a long one...Meghan, David, and the tots.:)

And today's update:

So the news is great! I went in and both babies are still well, and my cervix is measuring 30, which is really good for twins. I'm going in to work tomorrow, but then taking Wed-Mon off. There's a special test they can run that has over 99% accuracy in determining if I will deliver in the next 2 weeks. They ran it today but because it was tainted with old blood b/c of the hospitilization, it came back false +. On Monday they'll run it again and if I get a -, I am good to go. If I get a +, it's one more wek of bedrest, and then another test.I thank all of you for your prayers. I truly think that they made the difference. I am obviously going to be taking it VERY easy for the next week. We're pretty drianed emotionally and mentally (and me physically) after all of this. Your support really helped me feel better, and this latest good news made me feel even more hopeful I may still go for a while. I have everything crossed.On an ironic note, baby A's head is in the 99th percentile it is so huge. Guess I have a new thing to worry about...LOL!