5 Year check up

Today was also the 5 year appointment for Sumner and Jackson. I was dreading it because now that they are 5, they pretty much know that this appointment involved shots. Sumner spent most of the morning trying to rationalize why he didn't need shots, ("how about instead of 4, zero!") and flat throwing his brother under the bus. ("How about none for me, just Jackson!")

It wasn't pretty...the shot part. It took both of us to restrain them. Sumner went first, and we held him down, shaking and sobbing. Sumner once removed a syringe from his leg mid-shot and has a huge scar to show for it, so we pretty much have to hold him down for fear of him doing it again. After he went (they made Truman go first) Jack climbed up, seemingly subdued. Unfortunately he had more trouble than Sumner and even bit me while I was holding him. (Totally out of character and I believe unintentional.)

Thank God the next round isn't until age 11.

Jack was also diagnosed with dysfunctional voiding. He's been having increasing accidents over the last 6 months or so, mostly bladder, and mostly when he is napping. (He still naps 2 hours every day.) Because of this, we have to start him on daily Miralax, like his brother, and remind him to pee every hour. Heavens. That is a lot.

The pediatrician also diagnosed him with Dyspraxia/Developmental Coordination Disorder. We're still actively pursing a psych eval for both kids, but in the meantime I feel like we might have a step toward understanding some of Jack's motor issues. His OT completed a BOT for him and the results were somewhat shocking in how poorly he did. The pediatrician would like him to go to a neurologist as well.

Sometimes I feel like I am swimming in alphabet soup. I keep telling myself to remember that the boys are healthy, happy kids. Well, except for when they are getting shots.

God. And stuff.

It is so rare that I talk about God. Why? He's a constant in my life. I just know he is there. I don't really have to think about him. I think I assume others know this about me.

When I was little, I never understood why we were supposed to bow our heads when we prayed to God. I wanted to look right at him. Sing to him. Thank him. Look into his eyes and see as much as I could. I thought it was silly to bow our heads when he so clearly knew us.

As I got older, I always knew God was with me. People used to tell me I was lucky. Or that things "always just had a way of working out." I would only smile. That was God! I know my hard work, perseverance, and voraciousness played a part, but not in as much as they thought.

When I had the boys, I questioned my faith. How in the hell could God have possibly done that to me? I questioned everything. I didn't understand why someone who loved me so much could have a hand in something so awful as what happened to me. I was shattered; physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I am not going to lie to you that I have my ups and downs with God to this day. Sometimes raising children with special needs (saying the words special needs still makes me cringe) makes me want to throw in the towel, cry, laugh, and punch the air violently. But through it all I see Him. In Summy laughing on the swing tonight; in Jack's giggle as I tickle his neck. I also see Him in the sad, scary loop Summy paces in the driveway with the watering can, wearing his vest and chanting to himself and looking even to an outside observer as something to be pitied. I know God is there, and here, and with me. I love Him for giving it all to me and trusting that I can handle it and knowing I can see Him through it all. I want to look into his eyes sometimes though and understand better.

Did I speak too soon?

We went to the beach yesterday and the boys really struggled, sensory-wise. Jack squirmed and cried "I NO YIKE the water!" and wouldn't even stand in it. (If he had his way, I would have carried him around the entire time we were there) Summy was hesitant as well, and spent a lot of the time laying in the beach tent with Nana and playing with a truck. They both seemed to enjoy me digging a big hole in the sand for them while they jumped in and out of it. Jack also helped me dig a little with his hands.

I am worried, I won't lie. While we've done a great job with the listening therapy, we've not been as good about the brushing while here. Did that make the difference? Have they not had their sensory needs filled as well here, and outside of our therapy sessions? The nagging fear of the regression and the sadness have come back a little. I just stood and watched the other children there on our last visit and saw how happy they were; swimming, digging, body-boarding. I felt so sad to see the boys struggling so much.

We decided to take a day off from the beach and see if it helps a little. I'm hoping tomorrow goes better. The joy of seeing them so happy in the ocean and how much they enjoyed the water and beach in general was so amazing . I hope we can capture it again.

M.I.A.

Sorry everyone...long time no post! Things have been crazy and I can only assume they will continue to be very busy with the upcoming move and selling of our house. Our house has been listed for 7 days and we have had 5 showings, and have another showing and open house scheduled tomorrow. While this is great news with this economy and housing market, we're hoping to soon see an offer come to the table. We've been getting good feedback from showings, so we're hopeful it will happen soon. It's so strange evacuating your house so strangers can traipse through it. It's also been really hard keeping our house looking p.e.r.f.e.c.t. with 2 year old twins in the picture. We're hanging in there!

David took the boys to the ENT on Friday. Our pediatrician had recommended that Sumner be scheduled for ear tube surgery, however when the ENT took a look at him, he felt the surgery could be put off, which is great news. Jack's hearing re-test showed no hearing loss as well. We're both thankful for this great news.

Last night was the semi-annual twins sale for my local twins club and I got lots of great deals for the boys. I bought some nice summer clothing and a little tikes picnic table. The thought of it at our new house made me so excited! I did feel bad last night because I realized more and more how teeny the boys are compared to other kids their age while I was shopping for clothing. I don't know if it is a preemie thing, or what, but I actually got teary about it last night. I know the boys are happy and healthy, and that the pediatrician isn't worried at all, but I wish I didn't feel like weight gain was such a constant struggle. I know from other preemie moms and blogging friends I am not alone, but it still nags at me from time to time.

So the timeline is: close on our new house on Tuesday, and begin the painting and re-carpeting. We don't have a set date to be finished but plan to move in by the end of March. Moving is definitely taking its toll on all of us but is so exciting and worth the hassle!

Snow day!!!

We got at least 8 inches of snow here, and so we got to enjoy a much needed snow day today! Summy's been sick the last two days with a very high fever (cross your fingers, I think the fever broke this evening) so I was glad I didn't have to take a sick day (that I didn't have!)

Therapy on Monday night was good. We talked about some of the fallout from the first session. I had been grinding my teeth in my sleep last week which the therapist thinks is probably related to my mind reliving the delivery as it is now fresh in my mind after retelling it to her. We will begin some of the work next week to start making the new connections dealing with the trauma event and "rewiring" my response to prevent my flashbacks. We discussed that my predominant delivery flashback is being on the delivery table, arms pinned and the anesthesiologist on top of me, pushing on my throat, (so I wouldn't aspirate my food) the doctor cutting me open, (before I was unconscious) and the nurse trying to get the medicine in my arm. I flash back and remember the lights in the room, the viewpoint of looking up, the cutting sensation, but not the pain...this is what we will delve into next week. So far so good.

I took some darling pics of the boys with their elmo dolls this morning...





I have been engrossed in the Twilight novels, which I devoured in the last 5 days. I was so sad to finish the fourth and final book today because I really got into them. One of my students was kind enough to let me borrow them.

As always, if you aren't listed in the sidebar, please post a link to your blog so I can add you!

23 months, as always, late

Life has been crazy for us. Without getting into too many details, we've been offering and counter-offering on a new house. Here they are, 23 months old. Sumner's teary because he wasn't willing to let go of his bus for his picture. Jack, of course, wasn't willing to part with his phone either.

Second therapy session is tonight.

Theraputic

Last night was happy. Happy and sad. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be reliving the delivery moment by moment. I cried a lot, but it was wonderful to say it and put it out there. We went over a brief history of my family, physical history, and then I told her how it (the delivery) happened. She agreed that she strongly feels I have post traumatic stress disorder and thinks that she'll be able to teach me coping strategies and "change my point of view" on the delivery. She was very kind and really listened to me.

The therapist specializes in a particular method of treating PTSD called EMDR. From the website:

"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)1 is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies2.

EMDR is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.

During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is "dual stimulation" using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set."

I find this to be extremely interesting and she said this process would be used further down the road of treatment. Overall I left feeling like a big weight had been lifted from me. It was almost the relaxation your body feels after a really good massage. Our next session is on Monday.

Busy busy day!

It was a rough day today! The rundown:

Jack had his allergist appointment this morning. They ran the pinprick testing on his back and the good news is that he has no food allergies. The bad news is that the doctor ordered a blood panel to check for penicillin allergy.

The pipes froze in the garage and burst

I spent approximately eleventy billion minutes on the phone taking care of a ton of stuff

Jack's ENT appointment was scheduled a week from Thursday

Our car needs repaired

and Jack had to have blood drawn this evening. One of the saddest things I've had to go through since the NICU. He inherited my tiny veins so it took a very long time to get the blood. I had to try really hard not to cry.

Tonight I go for my first therapy session to deal with the labor and delivery and placental abruption. Please wish me luck, I'll let everyone know how it goes.

17 months old and daycare meeting!

The boys were 17 months old on Tuesday. Where is time going? It moves so fast! This has been a big month with Jack starting walking, both boys doing a lot of talking, pointing, laughing, and growing! It's amazing to see how much they have changed even in the 5 weeks I have been home from school. It's sad to think about them starting daycare in a month and me having to return back to work. I have enjoyed every minute I have been home with them so much!







We sat down with the daycare yesterday and told them honestly that Sumner isn't walking. He might be walking in a month, but he might not, and I need to stop stressing and know if it will be OK if he isn't. The room they are going to be in is closed for the summer because it was repainted, carpeted, given new hardwood floors, and is all redone. When the boys start, there will only be 4 kids total in their room including them. (with 2 teachers!) They won't have a full class until October. For this reason, they feel comfortable with Sumner not walking. We'll re-assess end of September/beginning of October. I am confident Sumner will be walking by then. The boys will be 18m adjusted October 8th. So good news, and no more worries!

Milestone woes

I feel like the boys babyhood has been thrown upside down in the last week. So far, since school has ended I have:

-moved them to one nap
-taken away their sippies with soft spouts and given hard plastic spout no handle cups
-not given them a bottle anymore b/c they are now only nursing
-been trying to get Jack to walk (he took 4 steps in a row last night!)

I still want to try giving them whole milk to see if they will drink it, and get them to drink milk from a sippy. (They still won't take EBM or anything but water and juice from the sippy.) Also, I am on project walking kids. The daycare won't take them unless they are walking, and so I am completely fixated on their lack of walking.

And I am not ready to stop BFing. I think I am returning my hospital grade pump, but there really isn't a need to have a pump as I can nurse them anytime at home now that I am off for the summer. But I feel paranoid and like I need a pump just in case. I don't know what the "in case" is for, but I worry...so I am thinking about buying a PISA. David and I had a big talk about breastfeeding which led me to cry when he said "they eventually have to grow up." Maybe I am not ready for that? I feel like I will know when it is *right* to stop, and I just don't feel that way yet.

So I spend my days now consumed with the concept that my kids will never walk, and wondering when exactly the right time is to stop breastfeeding them. I am torn...I want them to grow up, but I don't. These milestones seem like big steps towards "growing up."

Lately, the boys seem so much older, more like toddlers than babies. Between Jack feeding Summy yesterday, both of them taking "phone calls" on every available object they can crook in their neck, and how awesome they have been doing the past 2 weeks with eating only solids, I feel so bittersweet.

So the moral of this post? Being home from work for the summer=worrying mom!

Crying, 14 months later

The boys were 14 months yesterday...I'll post pics this weekend.

E and I went to a local craft show of WOHM this weekend. We approached a doula booth and I started to get upset. The woman there immediately exclaimed..."I know you from somewhere." We began the old "rattle off everything you can think of you might have in commmon" thing, and came up with nothing.

As I was walking away, I said "this kinda makes me feel upset, as I feel I really had little to no control over my own birth with my twins."

She asked "what happened?"

and I said "placental abruption"

All of a sudden her face dropped and she started to tear up. She said "honey, I was in the OR when your boys were born. I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, here's my information. Are they doing OK?" (THIS, we then found out, is how she knew me so well.)

I immediately started sobbing. I don't know what made me more upset: she remembered me (was the birth that bad? obviously it was!) or the wave of emotions/feelings/memories that immediately hit me in that moment. We had to turn around and leave. Thankfully E and I sat in that car while she kindly let me cry.

Today we are one.

Today is the day, if I had carried full term, that the boys would have been one. It has been very bittersweet.

We've been working hard with Summy on the bath. He has some sensory issues and our bathtimes haven't been very fun, but today was more promising. We even got a few smiles!

Three singing pigs say "la la la"

No word yet on the car...

I'm trying to rationalize the thought of putting the boys in an actual daycare CENTER next year. This place is highly recommended, and while more expensive, they are RAVED about. 4 other teachers at my school have their children there. But I keep thinking...*my* kids? My tiny little baby-men? They seem too little...sooo hard to believe. I worry, as we all do. Then the guilt sets in. Our sitter had said in almost the same breath after telling me she couldn't watch the boys..."and I think you should stay home with them next year." There is was, old nagging guilt, back for me again. And the pediatrician said "really? they'll be old enough to start in August?" (Center only accepts 18m+) And I worried...tiny preemie babies+daycare center=feel guilty mom, stay home with us mom, big worries mom?

The therapists could go to the center and work with the boys which would be super. But our hopes of going to MRDD preschool next year are now dashed.

And the mommy guilt returns. Why do we do it to ourselves? Will any decision really be OK?

I had the chance for a rare girls evening out this week at the melting pot, my fave fondue restaurant. Most of the talk centered around babies. Aunt E happened to be there too (she is PG, did I mention that?) and she got frustrated with all the baby talk. I was led to remember a great article in this month's real simple magazine about the new-mother-lose-yourself-and-your-identity-in-your-new-child syndrome. It's unavoidable, really. Even now I have a hard time talking about anything other than teaching and my boys, as those are primarily the only things I have the energy to do anymore. The hormones, the sleeplessness, they all make you crazy, and so baby-focused. Sometimes I wonder, will Aunt E feel the same in 22 weeks?

We were reading our nighttime standard, moo baa la la la by Sandra Boynton, and when we got to the part "three singing pigs say" Summy pulled his paci out of his mouth, looked dead at us, and said "la la la." It was one of those parent moments.

Summy's third tooth to pop through was not the previously stated top tooth, but a pointy incisor. Strange!

Jack's croup is gone, but he developed hives and a horrible rash wed. that never went away. A pedi appt. today confirmed not much. Benadryl isn't working and they think he's allergic to "something" (not food) and we don't know what. Not much help. He inherited my sensitive skin, apparently.

Thoughts on preemiedom

So I've been doing a little reading of other preemie mom blogs. You'll notice some new links on the left. I've been thinking about the ramifications of the 22 week sextuplets born in the last week or two, and the other set as well. It's articles like this http://www.abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=3286009&page=1 at ABC News questioning selective reduction and infertility treatments that make me question myself again. Could I have made it past 32w 4d with the boys if I hadn't had infertility treatments or used injectibles? Did that cause my placental abruption?

I feel a lot of anger sometimes. anger at strangers who tell me how "little" my boys are. Anger that I feel like no one can take care of my boys like I can. Worry that their caregiver in the fall won't have the energy time or patience for 1 hour or more feedings. Frustration at my husband for his sometimes short temper when dealing with said feedings. Anger at myself for not letting him have his very understandable feelings. Anger at doctors for not doing more for them in the NICU. Worry about what the future with preemies will bring. anger at friends who told me that I just needed to "keep trying" to get pregnant, and who told me "of course I wouldn't be having them early." Anger at myself for not listening to my body more. Anger that even though I feel like I did a lot of things right, my boys still came out early.

And the above article makes me wonder: did I not have a right, or should I have not persued infertility treatments because I was 27 years old?


The Morrison sextuplets: (3 surviving) http://morrison6.com/
The Masche sextuplets: http://www.maschemiracles.com/

The Gosselin's: http://www.sixgosselins.com/ (You might have heard of them from the t.v. show Jon and Kate Plus 8)