journey

So I was quiet about it. Secondary infertility. We tried on our own for a mere 6 months this time before starting IUI cycles. As you can imagine, we were petrified that we would have twins again. We decided not to trigger with anything more than one follicle. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. By IUI cycle 3, we had 2, and we bit the bullet and tried it.

Needless to say it didn't matter because all of our treatment cycles were a bust. I was devastated. Sometimes I felt like we were just flushing money down a toilet. I was angry too: at my body, at the clinic which I thought let us down...I made a new plan: save more money and try again in the summer. (2011) I figured it was our last shot.

I felt sooo hungry at Easter. My sister made the most delicious dessert and I couldn't stop eating it. I had lost about 25 pounds over the last 9 months by watching what I ate and trying to eat more veggies. But I was surprised by my appetite and I just felt funny.

The next morning I realized AF was late. I tested, and got a faint positive. I was in shock. After all this time, my body was actually working?!? The test itself was so old, (HA! Thanks again infertility!) we didn't know whether to be excited or not...I was worried it was a false positive. I certainly didn't feel like I had when I was pregnant with the boys.

The next day I took a digital. Positive. Still in shock.

Two betas later, not only am I pregnant but my numbers are REALLY high...as in "are you having multiples?" high.

At 6 weeks I started having doubled-over sobbing cramping. I called my OB and went in to the ER. They drew tons of blood, they did an hour long u/s, and saw no fetal pole. At first they told me it was fine...I could have ovulated late (as I thought) and that was why...but then they got the blood work back and told me I *should* have seen more with the betas as high as they were. (30,000) We were devastated.

A week later I went in to the OB and we saw the heartbeat, but everything was measuring a week behind. Again, she cautioned us not to tell anyone, or get too excited, but it was a step in the right direction.

As of today, everything is measuring on track. I've had 4 ultrasounds, including one level 2, and I'll have the next this week. Strangely, it's still not completely sinking in...it seems so surreal.

The hoplesness of infertility

I am going to be quite honest.

Part of me feels like I have given up on ever being pregnant again. It would be silly to say that, because every cycle I get excited again, only to have my hopes dashed. I am an optimist. I know I am. I want to be angry and mad, I want to scream. But inside there is that tiny, nagging feeling. I am still, after all this time, hopeful.

Sometimes I wish the hope would go away. Sometimes I feel so stupid for thinking "Oh maybe this is the month!." I just have this feeling I am not done. I can't explain it. I don't know why I feel the way I do. God do I hope it's true.

We started our tax returns and a small part of me got really really excited. We're getting a little bit more back than I expected, due in large part to the crazy amount of money I spent on graduate courses last year, including the new certification I am getting. All I can think about is this summer: new RE, new clinic, and money to spend, hopefully, on IUIs so we can get pregnant.

But then my negativity comes back: what if this is just throwing money down the drain? We don't have money for IVF. If we do a few cycles of IUI this summer and it doesn't work, it might just have to be it.

The thought petrifies me.

I hate the uncertainty. I feel like I am in a constant limbo with a large part of me feeling so stupid to think I might actually get pregnant, and a tiny part of me keeping that flame of hope alive. Sometimes I get so mad, I just want to blow it out so I can move on.

The overwhelming sense of hopelessness is always there. I try to ignore it, but sometimes I feel like a cloud hangs over my head everywhere I go. It nags me: "Why chart? Why temp? Why try?"

I wanted it to be easy for once. I hate that it can't be easy.

I think I hate most of all the horrible mix of emotions and isolation of being infertile. I care so much for others, yet feel angry when friends announce they are pregnant. Those feelings just turn around and make me ashamed. There's no way to win.

I hope I am not pinning my everything on something that will never happen. I just have to get these feelings out, as they have been weighing so heavily on my mind. Thanks for listening.

heartbroken.

I just got off the phone with a family member. Now, we didn't tell a lot of people, hardly any honestly, about the fact that we did three infertility rounds this past summer. But I shared it with him tonight. And I was devastated to hear his disappointment. Not in the fact that I didn't get pregnant, but that I even tried.

A lot of times I don't even let myself think about how much I'd like another baby. Part of me feels so selfish knowing that there are other people who try and try and have no children to show for it. I feel like I should be thankful for the two I have. But another nagging part of me is angry. I met a woman today who casually laughed and told me about her three boys, and how she's been trying to talk her husband into a fourth. How she loves being home (don't even get me started on the insinuated working-mom-guilt) and how she just wants to keep procreating and poppin' kids out. (okay, I might be exaggerating a little bit here, but you get my point.) She topped it off by chuckling "We got pregnant three weeks after we got married!" (Please hear this phrase and imagine an excited, cheerful, laughing voice...ha ha!)

I was pissed. I'll be honest. I wish I could sneeze and become pregnant. (Okay, well that might not be the best idea, but you get my drift.) I wish I could not hear about how I should leave it "in God's hands" or "just relax." Seriously? I cannot fathom that God wouldn't want me to have another child if I wanted one.

I wanted him to be sad for me, to comfort me, to understand me. That it feels like flushing money away. That I secretly worry at night that I am being selfish for even trying. That I worry that I am asking too much. That I should be happy with what I have. That getting pregnant again might be more like risking my life again.

It makes me question myself sometimes. Am I right to want this?

Daddy

Jack has really taken to his baby Elmo doll he got as an infant. All of the sudden, he goes everywhere with us: in the car, to the store, and in the case of today, to therapeutic horseback riding!

Jack alternately calls him his "baby sister" or "brother" depending on the day. (I could get into a whole other post about how sad that makes me, especially as we are about to "celebrate" officially TTC for a year now and entering the world of infertility, again.) However, he has an undying love for baby Elmo, he tells people, even strangers, about him everywhere he goes. (Baby Elmo sleeps while Jack goes to school.)

He is baby Elmo's "daddy." It is heartwarming to see how caring he is, especially as he feeds him, changes his diaper, and covers him up.

Today at the end of the session, Elmo got to "ride" around the arena with Jack. He was thrilled.

thank you.

Thank you for your kind words, both on the blog, and through e-mails and messages. I would be lying if I told you that last week in church I didn't see a pregnant woman and have the most unholy of thoughts. I felt that jealousy rear its ugly head, and my breath was taken away. I know I haven't been honest with myself about how devastated I am, and hopeless I now feel. Your kindness has really helped me feel better. Knowing people care about me means a lot. Thank you.

The boys had their first therapeutic horseback riding session yesterday and as soon as I can figure out how to post pics my husband took with his iphone, I will. It was definitely hard on Summy emotionally, and hard on Jack physically. But ultimately it was good for both of them.

sadness

I debated whether I should post anything about this, we have been very private this go-round with our infertility issues.

However, I'm so sad, and it's so awful. Infertility is no better the second time around. We've used all the money we have on cycle after cycle of treatments, and I just found out yesterday (the last cycle we could afford) that it was all a bust.

I know I have my boys to look at, to cuddle, and to love. I am infinitely thankful for that. But I know I am not done having children. I do not know if I will ever be able to have another, and that devastates me. I am tired of charting, tired of temping, tired of shots, and tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests.

It has been a very rough week. A large part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and avoid the world. The other half of me is putting on a happy face and just moving on. My heart is crying. I hate being infertile.

You want me to stick that where?

You know what sucks? Temping. You know what sucks more? Charting.

I had totally forgotten that annoying little thermometer sitting on my bedside table, mocking me. Did I take it as soon as I woke up? Why didn't my temperature shift? Was that a big enough jump for ovulation?

I also forgot that damn fertility charting site with its stupid little graph paper laughing back at me from my computer screen. Maybe you ovulated on day 16...no wait! I'm moving it to day 18 now...no wait...maybe you didn't ovulate at all!

Temping sucks and so does all that freaking obsessing you inevitably do while watching your chart unfold as the cycle goes by. How did I forget?

You know what adds a somewhat comic and ironic twist to temping? Having twin boys who love nothing more than to inspect, move, and run away with everything on my bedside table. Even more hilarious? Having twin boys who love to pretend they are doctors, carrying that hallowed thermometer off to the dark nether regions of the house where it will never be found again.

Maybe they're taking it away to enter my temperatures for me? Do you think they can count to the hundredth place?

Elephant in the room

We are, in 3 days, going to be officially TTC for a third child.

I know I made a cryptic blog post a few days ago, and here's why: I started this blog to document a pregnancy after our struggle with IF. The last go-round, we didn't say a word to family or friends about all the treatments, cycle after cycle of BFNs, or anything else. I was afraid of what people would say to me. In that time, I wanted so bad to have a shoulder to cry on, someone to carry my burden and pain for just a few steps. Someone to talk to. 3 1/2 years ago, blogs were fairly new. I could have posted about anything knowing that probably only a few people would read what I was saying. Now, not so much. I use this place as an outlet. I need to be able to post about us TTC without feeling like I have opened myself up to scrutiny.

This blog is read by family, friends, neighbors, and many other people. I want this to be a place I can openly talk about TTC #3 after unexplained infertility. If we go through treatments, I want to be open. I need your support. But please keep your criticisms to yourself.

A family member who I just shared the hope of TTC #3 with told me that he didn't think we should go through any medical interventions this time around. That God would give us a third child if he chose to. This is what I don't need. This is what I fear.

I am so scared. Crazy scared. I lie awake at night with the "what ifs." What if I have another preemie? How far would we go? When should we look into ART? Our OBGYN only wants us to try for 6 months this time around. We could be doing IUI cycles this summer. I am scared. Would I trigger again with two follicles? What if I have another placental abruption?

I hope you understand. I hope I can be open here. I hope you respect our need for privacy with my need to use this place to document my feelings as we begin this process again. Thank you for always being there for me when I need it most.

Best day of my life

Somehow my husband and I got onto the conversational topic of the best day of our life. I quickly said "our wedding day was the best day of my life! Wasn't it beautiful? It was so amazing."

Then I stopped myself. Wait a minute, wasn't the day I had the boys the best day of my life? I got a little teary and my husband immediately knew where I was going with my thoughts. (He could read it on my face, I didn't need to say a word.) He said "no, the day you had them wasn't the best day of your life, quite possibly, it was your worst."

When I was going through infertility, I used to watch the baby story with a passion. I'd sit and sob my eyes out at the beauty of every birth. I'd dream about my own baby. As time passed, and I couldn't get pregnant, my drive to watch the baby story waned. By the end of it all, I got physically angry when I saw a pregnant woman. They seemed to be everywhere.

My own delivery was no walk in the park. After almost dying, and almost losing both boys, I developed post traumatic stress disorder. Definitely not what I would call the best day of my life.

I know that I am mentally ready to have another baby. (Although our budget isn't yet, ha!) Once again, the t.v. remote seems to change on its own to TLC just in time for me to see some glowing woman pop out a baby with a few pushes. I still cry a tear, but this time it's for a few reasons. I cry because I grieve the birthing experience I never got to have. I cry because I worry what infertility will deal me this time around. And I cry because I wish I had been able to say the day I gave birth to my boys was the best day of my life. In some ways, infertility dealt me another forceful blow that day they cut me open before I was asleep, and pulled my babies out. It took away my ability to call the day I met my children the best day of my life.




p.s. tomorrow is my 3 year blogaversary!!

Thoughts on preemiedom

So I've been doing a little reading of other preemie mom blogs. You'll notice some new links on the left. I've been thinking about the ramifications of the 22 week sextuplets born in the last week or two, and the other set as well. It's articles like this http://www.abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=3286009&page=1 at ABC News questioning selective reduction and infertility treatments that make me question myself again. Could I have made it past 32w 4d with the boys if I hadn't had infertility treatments or used injectibles? Did that cause my placental abruption?

I feel a lot of anger sometimes. anger at strangers who tell me how "little" my boys are. Anger that I feel like no one can take care of my boys like I can. Worry that their caregiver in the fall won't have the energy time or patience for 1 hour or more feedings. Frustration at my husband for his sometimes short temper when dealing with said feedings. Anger at myself for not letting him have his very understandable feelings. Anger at doctors for not doing more for them in the NICU. Worry about what the future with preemies will bring. anger at friends who told me that I just needed to "keep trying" to get pregnant, and who told me "of course I wouldn't be having them early." Anger at myself for not listening to my body more. Anger that even though I feel like I did a lot of things right, my boys still came out early.

And the above article makes me wonder: did I not have a right, or should I have not persued infertility treatments because I was 27 years old?


The Morrison sextuplets: (3 surviving) http://morrison6.com/
The Masche sextuplets: http://www.maschemiracles.com/

The Gosselin's: http://www.sixgosselins.com/ (You might have heard of them from the t.v. show Jon and Kate Plus 8)

Tomorrow's the first appointment with the new doctor!

So I switched OBGYN's because I was so annoyed with my old OBGYN's office. When I called to tell them the reproductive endocrineologist was handing me off back to them, and I was PG with twins, and we had done an IUI, and I had an u/s, and I knew my due date, they proceeded to ask me 3 different times during the phone conversation when my last menstrual phase was. Why? Did they not understand that WHEN THEY INSEMINATE YOU YOU KNOW THE DAY YOU GOT FREAKIN PREGNANT?!?! I mean, come on. Really. That, coupled with their total lack of caring when trying to get the infertility testing they ran paid for by the creeps I call an insurance company, was enough for me.

So the new Dr, doctor v, seems really nice. I'm almost kinda sorta hoping that I'll get another u/s tomorrow to see the tots. I like seeing them. It somehow makes it seem more real. Plus, I've been having lots of aches, pains and cramps this week, probably because they're trying to stretch everything out down there and take over my body. Last night all I wanted was a frozen Coke. I almost cried when we drove up to Meijer and the machine wasn't cold enough. I almost killed David. Thank the sweet lord that burger king sells them.

Last weekend D and I put some stuff in Beth's garage sale. We were pretty stocked because we sold enough stuff (37.00) to almost offset the few things we bought from the lady that lived around the corner who had a garage sale, and 15 month old twins. She sold us 2 exersaucers for 30.00. Not bad!

Next Thursday is the Columbus Mother's of twins meeting. First of the year. The aforementioned lady invited. Me. I'm so excited. It'll be great to know lots of people who can help me.

Last night I started reading "so that's what they're there for," a breastfeeding book. It's supposed to make you feel like your choice to breastfeed is the best in the world. Breastfeeding makes me superwoman. Instead, it scared the bejeebers out of me. Sentences like "4 out of 1000 children die from formula intake." GEESH! Way to lay a guilt trip. It's actually turning me off to the idea, but I am still going to give it the old college try.

So, IF throws us a new loop...

We went in for our u/s yesterday to see tader baby.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHT.

Apparently I named my blog a little too soon, because it's more like tader tots.

That's right folks, we're expecting twins! We went out to dinner to celebrate and then quickly freaked out and determined we were never going out to eat again. I BARELY slept last night as I thought of EVERYTHING new our life would look like. I'm so scared. I'm so nervous. How are we going to afford this?

Dr. K joked: "two for the price of one."

I'll say.

twins.

OK, last post for today...

I'm going to get you caught up on the nitty-gritty until now.

So, ever since I was 12 I've been on BCPs for what my OBGYN thought was endometriosis. I was told, even from a young age, that I would need to think about having kids before I was 30. I've always wanted kids, but put it to the back of my mind, as a husband/feeling it was the right time in my life would have to come first.

Fast forward to winter, 2005. David and I met and were married 6.19.04 and were settling in to married life. I'd always said "4 years before a baby!" because I wanted to enjoy married life for a while, without the interruption of a baby. But babies were starting to look cute, and I could hear the voice in my head chanting..."must have babies before 30..."

So we went to my OBGYN in March, 2005 to talk about TTC. I went off BCPs, but was told we had to wait 2 cycles to start trying. I cahrted those 2 cycles to get an idea of how my body was reacting. It was certainly funky.

June 2005 was exciting: we were TTC! It was scary, strange, and of course, I thought I'd end up pregnant immediately...we're always taught from sex ed that ANY unprotected sex=baby...right?

By October, I was worried. No +s, and my charts were looking funky. I took them to the OBGYN and she agreed, and started me on Clomid, a fertility drug. Newfound fears of quintuplets filled my mind, but I was already starting to feel the desperation. Why wasn't it working yet? Was the Dr. right? Had I waited too long? What if I couldn't have kids.

5 Clomid cycles later, we had no more answers. A sperm analysis, HCG, (a painful test to see if the tubes are blocked) and an endomtrial biopsy later, everything looked normal. My OBGYN washed her hands of us, and told us to see a reproductive endocrinol0gist. We were infertile.

5/17/06 we went to Ohio Reproductive. After going through our history, and tests, Dr. K told us we had "unexplained infertility," a cruel diagnosis meaning no one knew what was wrong. From the looks of everything, we should have been PG. And even more bad news: insurace covered NOTHING. Thankfully, I found out through http://www.resolve.org that Ohio mandated testing coverage. After much consideration, we decided I should go in to have laproscopic surgery to zap out the endometriosis we believed was there. 6/12/06 I went in for surgery. They found nothing.

I was heartbroken. And confused. Now I wondered: did I want to get PG because I was ready, or because I thought I HAD to do it ASAP. I didn't have much time to think...the next plan of action we had decided on was a medicated IUI, or interutarine insemination. I would get daily shots, administered by David, with a large "trigger" shot to induce ovulation once my follicles measured large enough. We would then go and David's sperm would be "washed" and the fastest swimmers inserted via catheter. Lovely. Exactly the scenario I imagined would get me PG.

So we trained on shots. And everyone who knows me knows how much I love shots. I responded slowly and so I had 15 days of injections. I almost felt sorrier for D because he had to put up with my blubbering. My abdomen looked like a dalmation: rashes and bruises from injection sites. We had 900.00 worth of donted meds, or the cycle would have been EXTREMELY expensive. It was our one shot...due to $ costs, Dr. K thought only one round would make sense, as the success rates were so much higher with IVF.

I remember my fear 7/16 when I sat in the waiting room. 12 other couples were there that Sunday. Our success rate: 14%. I laughed when it was over: if only it had all been that easy! I didn't feel a thing. We laughed together: the timer Dr. K set for me to know when to get up had a sperm on it. How appropriate. We were so nervous...

7/29 I got my BFP. We were at D's parent's house and we tested one day before we'd told everyone we were going to, just so we could have some time to digest the news. I had a feeling I was pregnant. All these symptoms I'd never had...still, the feeling when I saw the + test...scared, overwhelmed, excited, awed. This is what I wanted, right?

We took a digital the next day (Sunday) and told D's parents, and my mom, who we then left to go spend 4 days with in NC, as the second leg of our vacation.

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Sometimes it still hasn't sunk in. I'm starting to get more excited, but I keep thinking...what if? I can't imagine meeting this little person who is going to be half of us. I'm so scared, nervous, and hopeful. The journey has only just begun...