On the mend!

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, both posted and sent privately. It touches me that there are so many of you who care so much for our little guys!

Jack is finally on the mend! He went for a re-check on Friday and they found his ear infection had returned. They put him on a very strong penicillin based antibiotic and he broke put in hives all over his body. His fever broke Saturday. He's been totally doped up on Benadryl for the last 2 days but today the hives seem to not be as bad so we are going to try to go without.

Thanks again for your kind words and thoughts! If Jack's ear infections continue, he might have to have tubes. Both David and I had to have them but we're hoping that Jack won't have to. It seems ever since he weaned about a month ago, he's had back to back ear infections.

Look for our pictures, coming soon!

Last nursing session and 21 months old

Well, it is officially over. I never once thought when I found out that I was pregnant with twins that breastfeeding would be for me. If you look back to earlier posts in the blog, you'll find I really wasn't on board with the whole breastfeeding thing...I didn't know how it would work for me, if it would work for me, or what I even really thought of the concept.

During the pregnancy, I read many books about breastfeeding and they came across very judgy to me. I didn't need to be preached to about "breast is best" and most of what I read seemed very fanatical and narrow minded. Lots of women can't breastfeed. Some of them don't even want to try, which is totally understandable. Formula is certainly not poison! I dubiously thought that I would give it a try myself and see what all the hype was about.

Fast forward to the delivery. Obviously it didn't go how I intended. With the boys in the NICU, pumping became essential. Our neonatologist was very pro-breastmilk and so as soon as I woke up I asked for a pump. I can remember the nurses telling me I should just rest, but I was determined to build supply. Hell, I was determined to feel a connection to babies I didn't see for over 48 hours postpartum. In some ways, breastfeeding saved me from losing my mind in those early days because it felt like the only bond I had with them.

The hospital stay was rough. I overproduced, and pumped a quart of milk in one sitting. The nurses called me a cow which in my fragile emotional state practically sent me over the edge. I persevered, and practically filled the entire NICU fridge and freezer.

When I got home, my body was shot. The delivery had put such a strain on my body that I began to get very sick. A tiny cold had me feverish. I dropped 50 pounds in a matter of 6 weeks. I got thrush. Mastitis 4 times over the course of us nursing. I still pumped religiously. We had to use nipple shields the first 4 months and upon discharge, they could only breastfeed half the time because it tired them out so much. Jack had tons of feeding issues and reflux. We persevered.

Throughout the course of breastfeeding the boys, things got easier, then harder, then easier again. Sumner had two nursing strikes. I went back to work full time for good a 6 months postpartum and my supply took a hit, but I continued to pump at school. Jack went through a biting phase. I had to throw away thousands of ounces because of the heavy medications I had been on. (It wasn't viable to be donated)

But looking back, it was worth every freaking minute. I returned my pump in June, vowing not to pump this school year. I cried: it was like a friend, we had a love/hate relationship. Summy weaned himself around 18 months when the boys started daycare this fall. But Jack kept on.

I knew it was ending a few weeks ago. Jack was sometimes reluctant, was down to once a day anyway, and I had decided 2 years old would be my cutoff. Monday morning was beautiful, relaxing, and I knew in my heart it would be the last time. Sure enough, Tuesday he was done, looking at me with wide eyes that morning and saying "no."

I'm happy to have my body back, but sad that these boys have gotten so big so fast. Where has time gone? How are they 21 months old today?

During these 21 months I because a milk donor, I nursed Summy to 18 months and Jack to 21, but most of all I became a superwoman to myself. I never thought I could do it, and I am so proud of myself that I did.

Milestone woes

I feel like the boys babyhood has been thrown upside down in the last week. So far, since school has ended I have:

-moved them to one nap
-taken away their sippies with soft spouts and given hard plastic spout no handle cups
-not given them a bottle anymore b/c they are now only nursing
-been trying to get Jack to walk (he took 4 steps in a row last night!)

I still want to try giving them whole milk to see if they will drink it, and get them to drink milk from a sippy. (They still won't take EBM or anything but water and juice from the sippy.) Also, I am on project walking kids. The daycare won't take them unless they are walking, and so I am completely fixated on their lack of walking.

And I am not ready to stop BFing. I think I am returning my hospital grade pump, but there really isn't a need to have a pump as I can nurse them anytime at home now that I am off for the summer. But I feel paranoid and like I need a pump just in case. I don't know what the "in case" is for, but I worry...so I am thinking about buying a PISA. David and I had a big talk about breastfeeding which led me to cry when he said "they eventually have to grow up." Maybe I am not ready for that? I feel like I will know when it is *right* to stop, and I just don't feel that way yet.

So I spend my days now consumed with the concept that my kids will never walk, and wondering when exactly the right time is to stop breastfeeding them. I am torn...I want them to grow up, but I don't. These milestones seem like big steps towards "growing up."

Lately, the boys seem so much older, more like toddlers than babies. Between Jack feeding Summy yesterday, both of them taking "phone calls" on every available object they can crook in their neck, and how awesome they have been doing the past 2 weeks with eating only solids, I feel so bittersweet.

So the moral of this post? Being home from work for the summer=worrying mom!

Feeding themselves!

David's in Dayton this evening, so I decided to try and see how the boys would do with their puffs. Let me preface this post with these words: our kids are not big eaters. I have struggled and struggled with it, but have come to the realization that this is a common preemie thing. We do the best we can.

That being said: they usually spilt a stage 2 jar for dinner, and as of the last 6 weeks we've been doing puffs, with mixed response. We try to put them in their fingers and have them "feed" themselves, but they get annoyed and want us to feed them. Sum's getting better at "gumming" them but Jack mainly swallows them. So pretty much they aren't rockin' the puffs.

So tonight they PIG the food down. They ate 2 1/2 stage 2 jars, I'd say Sumner had 1 1/2 alone. He kept crying for more food. Then, I put their trays on their highchairs and put puffs on them. AND THEY PICKED THEM UP! AND FED THEMSELVES! Sorry to use caps, but this was big!!! Sum got about 50% in his mouth, Jack only about 10%, but it was SO amazing!

I caught it on video for David too!

And today I made my first donation to the local milk bank. 115 ounces. I sat and cried b/c they had a scrapbook of donor mothers and their babies. Many had NICU babies that died and it made me so sad...a rush of overwhelming emotions came back. I found out they supply the CHOP NICU where a fellow blogger Megan's son Jack (she has triplets...seee multiple baby pileup on the left link bar) is. I'd like to think I might be helping him. It's amazing how the world is so connected!

This "milk goddess" is still in the hospital.

So last night right as we were about to leave they took my temp and it was over 101. I cried so hard b/c they told me I had to stay again for another night. Turns out...I am a milk goddess!

So I am apparantly a "hyperlactator." I guess it is really rare, and now I have to try and cut my milk down, since I am pretty much falling asleep at the pump. The nurses keep making snide comments that are hurting my feelings, but the nice lactation lady is going to come help me and make a "game plan." Hopefully, I can get the milk under control. The lady called me a "milk goddess" which made me feel so weird....guess it's better than "cow" which the nurses have been calling me.

Tomorrow's the first appointment with the new doctor!

So I switched OBGYN's because I was so annoyed with my old OBGYN's office. When I called to tell them the reproductive endocrineologist was handing me off back to them, and I was PG with twins, and we had done an IUI, and I had an u/s, and I knew my due date, they proceeded to ask me 3 different times during the phone conversation when my last menstrual phase was. Why? Did they not understand that WHEN THEY INSEMINATE YOU YOU KNOW THE DAY YOU GOT FREAKIN PREGNANT?!?! I mean, come on. Really. That, coupled with their total lack of caring when trying to get the infertility testing they ran paid for by the creeps I call an insurance company, was enough for me.

So the new Dr, doctor v, seems really nice. I'm almost kinda sorta hoping that I'll get another u/s tomorrow to see the tots. I like seeing them. It somehow makes it seem more real. Plus, I've been having lots of aches, pains and cramps this week, probably because they're trying to stretch everything out down there and take over my body. Last night all I wanted was a frozen Coke. I almost cried when we drove up to Meijer and the machine wasn't cold enough. I almost killed David. Thank the sweet lord that burger king sells them.

Last weekend D and I put some stuff in Beth's garage sale. We were pretty stocked because we sold enough stuff (37.00) to almost offset the few things we bought from the lady that lived around the corner who had a garage sale, and 15 month old twins. She sold us 2 exersaucers for 30.00. Not bad!

Next Thursday is the Columbus Mother's of twins meeting. First of the year. The aforementioned lady invited. Me. I'm so excited. It'll be great to know lots of people who can help me.

Last night I started reading "so that's what they're there for," a breastfeeding book. It's supposed to make you feel like your choice to breastfeed is the best in the world. Breastfeeding makes me superwoman. Instead, it scared the bejeebers out of me. Sentences like "4 out of 1000 children die from formula intake." GEESH! Way to lay a guilt trip. It's actually turning me off to the idea, but I am still going to give it the old college try.