Elephant in the room

We are, in 3 days, going to be officially TTC for a third child.

I know I made a cryptic blog post a few days ago, and here's why: I started this blog to document a pregnancy after our struggle with IF. The last go-round, we didn't say a word to family or friends about all the treatments, cycle after cycle of BFNs, or anything else. I was afraid of what people would say to me. In that time, I wanted so bad to have a shoulder to cry on, someone to carry my burden and pain for just a few steps. Someone to talk to. 3 1/2 years ago, blogs were fairly new. I could have posted about anything knowing that probably only a few people would read what I was saying. Now, not so much. I use this place as an outlet. I need to be able to post about us TTC without feeling like I have opened myself up to scrutiny.

This blog is read by family, friends, neighbors, and many other people. I want this to be a place I can openly talk about TTC #3 after unexplained infertility. If we go through treatments, I want to be open. I need your support. But please keep your criticisms to yourself.

A family member who I just shared the hope of TTC #3 with told me that he didn't think we should go through any medical interventions this time around. That God would give us a third child if he chose to. This is what I don't need. This is what I fear.

I am so scared. Crazy scared. I lie awake at night with the "what ifs." What if I have another preemie? How far would we go? When should we look into ART? Our OBGYN only wants us to try for 6 months this time around. We could be doing IUI cycles this summer. I am scared. Would I trigger again with two follicles? What if I have another placental abruption?

I hope you understand. I hope I can be open here. I hope you respect our need for privacy with my need to use this place to document my feelings as we begin this process again. Thank you for always being there for me when I need it most.