Thursday, December 09, 2010


I just got off the phone with a family member. Now, we didn't tell a lot of people, hardly any honestly, about the fact that we did three infertility rounds this past summer. But I shared it with him tonight. And I was devastated to hear his disappointment. Not in the fact that I didn't get pregnant, but that I even tried.

A lot of times I don't even let myself think about how much I'd like another baby. Part of me feels so selfish knowing that there are other people who try and try and have no children to show for it. I feel like I should be thankful for the two I have. But another nagging part of me is angry. I met a woman today who casually laughed and told me about her three boys, and how she's been trying to talk her husband into a fourth. How she loves being home (don't even get me started on the insinuated working-mom-guilt) and how she just wants to keep procreating and poppin' kids out. (okay, I might be exaggerating a little bit here, but you get my point.) She topped it off by chuckling "We got pregnant three weeks after we got married!" (Please hear this phrase and imagine an excited, cheerful, laughing voice...ha ha!)

I was pissed. I'll be honest. I wish I could sneeze and become pregnant. (Okay, well that might not be the best idea, but you get my drift.) I wish I could not hear about how I should leave it "in God's hands" or "just relax." Seriously? I cannot fathom that God wouldn't want me to have another child if I wanted one.

I wanted him to be sad for me, to comfort me, to understand me. That it feels like flushing money away. That I secretly worry at night that I am being selfish for even trying. That I worry that I am asking too much. That I should be happy with what I have. That getting pregnant again might be more like risking my life again.

It makes me question myself sometimes. Am I right to want this?


Becky @ Our Sweet Peas said...

It doesn't have to appear "right" to anyone but you. Don't question yourself girl. Only you know when your family is complete. When it is I believe you have a peace knowing this is it.

I had a lot of risk with the boys and was SO AFRAID to tell others about me being pg again. I had a few tell me they were shocked b/c of all we went through yada yada but God had a plan and it involved Addison end. of. story.

I believe you pursue something until you know CLEARLY without a doubt that you have a peace about NOT pursuing it.

Keep your head up I know this is devastating and I don't offer these words lightly. I hope this comes across the way I intend. Praying for you tonight.

aimee and ben said...

this is truly no one's decision but you and your husband's. I loathe when people feel they are in a position to pass judgement on someone else (judgement in this case being disappointment). If this is something you want with all of your heart, how could anyone NOT want it for you?

On a lighter note- both my mom and my sister got pregnant a total of nine times (combined) ALL "on accident". I ended up having a year of fertility treatments, so I feel your anguish! :)

tbonegrl said...


"I believe you pursue something until you know CLEARLY without a doubt that you have a peace about NOT pursuing it."

Thank you. I wish I could have said it this well.


What makes it harder is how much I love and respect this family member.

Allison said...

I am so sorry that someone made you feel like you should feel guilty about wanting this for you and your family.

The question here, though, isn't whether you're right to want this (you know I think you are, though), because whatever you want is right for you and your family. You and your husband have obviously talked about it, discussed the risks and implications of another baby, and you've made a conscious decision (when you're struggling with IF, you HAVE to make a decision--it's not like you have an "oops") to try for another baby. You've decided that this is something you can handle financially, emotionally, and physically, and you're trying. It's wrong for anyone to think otherwise. It's not like you're someone who just decided to throw away the pill and see what happens--you're making a conscious decision and have OBVIOUSLY put a lot of thought and consideration into it.

I'm so very sorry that someone you love and respect so much would make you feel that way. Please know I'm here and I suppose your decisions, whatever they are. Love you.

Safire said...

I'm in your boat too. I just spent all of our savings on another summer of hoping for a baby too. And like you, it didn't work. I go through days where I am heartbroken about it and can't even think about babies. And other days I'm okay.

It's very hard to have this desire for more children and to have it be denied. Again, and again. It's not wrong to want more children. And it's not wrong to be disappointed. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Linda said...

I'm so sorry. It's so emotionally draining to go through treatments and all the ups and downs that go with them. I try VERY hard to remember that people speak a lot of times without realizing how upsetting their words can be. Hugs. It's such a hard thing to make peace.

Alana said...

Hugs to you...

Breezi@ Not Your Average Fairytale said...

I think infertility is one of the hardest trials for someone to go through.

Although I have never had to deal with the trial- but I feel such great sympathy for you. My heart truly goes out to you.

I think if it's your heart's desire, you should go for it. Who is anyone to say you shouldn't have more children? If you have a good home, love to offer, and time to give- go for it!

Sending you hugs!