Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Best day of my life

Somehow my husband and I got onto the conversational topic of the best day of our life. I quickly said "our wedding day was the best day of my life! Wasn't it beautiful? It was so amazing."

Then I stopped myself. Wait a minute, wasn't the day I had the boys the best day of my life? I got a little teary and my husband immediately knew where I was going with my thoughts. (He could read it on my face, I didn't need to say a word.) He said "no, the day you had them wasn't the best day of your life, quite possibly, it was your worst."

When I was going through infertility, I used to watch the baby story with a passion. I'd sit and sob my eyes out at the beauty of every birth. I'd dream about my own baby. As time passed, and I couldn't get pregnant, my drive to watch the baby story waned. By the end of it all, I got physically angry when I saw a pregnant woman. They seemed to be everywhere.

My own delivery was no walk in the park. After almost dying, and almost losing both boys, I developed post traumatic stress disorder. Definitely not what I would call the best day of my life.

I know that I am mentally ready to have another baby. (Although our budget isn't yet, ha!) Once again, the t.v. remote seems to change on its own to TLC just in time for me to see some glowing woman pop out a baby with a few pushes. I still cry a tear, but this time it's for a few reasons. I cry because I grieve the birthing experience I never got to have. I cry because I worry what infertility will deal me this time around. And I cry because I wish I had been able to say the day I gave birth to my boys was the best day of my life. In some ways, infertility dealt me another forceful blow that day they cut me open before I was asleep, and pulled my babies out. It took away my ability to call the day I met my children the best day of my life.




p.s. tomorrow is my 3 year blogaversary!!

12 comments:

BornSecular79 said...

Hugs, honey. I have a feeling you'll have many more 'best days' ahead ;)

Becky @ Our Sweet Peas said...

I hear you on this one. Sometimes it bums me out that it wasn't "picturesque" although I know yours was FAR FROM as was mine but the end result is a prettier picture and your wedding being the best day of your life isn't all bad either. I mean without your love you wouldn't have those gorgeous boys! I hope your next birth is PERFECT!! Wouldn't that be great??? Hugs to you!

Annie said...

I like to read your post and that you feel ready for another baby. Sometimes we don't have wonderful birth story but at you have the most wonderful gift that God send to you, your handsome boys.

Hugs

Jenera said...

Honestly, I think having perfect pregnancies and deliveries are overrated. It's not supposed to be easy. I had some scary moments with our second delivery and I would never relive that again. It was not the best day.

My best day is when I brought my boys home and we settled in and I knew they were mine forever.

Jen said...

Meeting your boys for the first time may not have been the best DAY of your life, but it certainly could have been your best moment. I too deal with the harsh world of infertility, still trying for our first. I don't wish that pain on anyone! Good luck, and I hope the wait goes a little faster for you!

Teena in Toronto said...

There are lots of best days to come :)

Happy blogoversary!

Liz said...

I feel the same way--the birth of my kids should be the happiest day but it just isn't. But I do agree with another commentor--meeting them for the first time might be the best MOMENT.

Wendy said...

I related to your post on infertility and the Baby Story as well. I once loved it, but could not watch it once the infertility issues progressed like they did. I was angry too and it seemed like everyone every where was getting pregnant, many of which were not planned nor wanted, but me. I understood the intellectual side, but this is a very emotional journey at the same time.

Though my twins birth was not like yours, my pregnancy had it's valleys. Some that still haunt me today.

I know what you meant. I know how you feel. No need to tell you what a wonderful gift you have, you know that. It is what it is and your feelings are just... and are what they are.

I understand. thank you for sharing with us!

Smileycue said...

I'm always jealous when I hear people delivered the real way, or see it on TV. I got so close and it didn't happen, and unless I go to a city hospital won't happen. Dan reminds me that I have healthy, happy babies and that is the best thing. And I have a sweet scar to show for it!

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

Here from the Creme list...

what a great choice for your favorite IF related post of 2009. Excellent post. And cheers to D for being an understanding DH. :)

Waiting In Sunshine said...

Hi, here from Crem de la Crem. I was originally drawn to the name of the post bc I thought you woldn't get to experience pgcy and birth like me either, that experience society likes to neatly tie up with a bow ala A Baby Story. Now I see that you actually did give birth, although very traumatically.....We all have difficult crap...thank you for writing that. (I'll also be on C de C once Mel gets through her que!)

-Sunshine
http://waitinginsunshine.typepad.com/

Lut C. said...

Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

A wonderful birth experience is a dream that was ripped from you very brutely. And there is no way of turning back to clock. It's ok to feel hurt by that.

I went to read your birth story, really, really scary.