Friday, February 11, 2011

The hoplesness of infertility

I am going to be quite honest.

Part of me feels like I have given up on ever being pregnant again. It would be silly to say that, because every cycle I get excited again, only to have my hopes dashed. I am an optimist. I know I am. I want to be angry and mad, I want to scream. But inside there is that tiny, nagging feeling. I am still, after all this time, hopeful.

Sometimes I wish the hope would go away. Sometimes I feel so stupid for thinking "Oh maybe this is the month!." I just have this feeling I am not done. I can't explain it. I don't know why I feel the way I do. God do I hope it's true.

We started our tax returns and a small part of me got really really excited. We're getting a little bit more back than I expected, due in large part to the crazy amount of money I spent on graduate courses last year, including the new certification I am getting. All I can think about is this summer: new RE, new clinic, and money to spend, hopefully, on IUIs so we can get pregnant.

But then my negativity comes back: what if this is just throwing money down the drain? We don't have money for IVF. If we do a few cycles of IUI this summer and it doesn't work, it might just have to be it.

The thought petrifies me.

I hate the uncertainty. I feel like I am in a constant limbo with a large part of me feeling so stupid to think I might actually get pregnant, and a tiny part of me keeping that flame of hope alive. Sometimes I get so mad, I just want to blow it out so I can move on.

The overwhelming sense of hopelessness is always there. I try to ignore it, but sometimes I feel like a cloud hangs over my head everywhere I go. It nags me: "Why chart? Why temp? Why try?"

I wanted it to be easy for once. I hate that it can't be easy.

I think I hate most of all the horrible mix of emotions and isolation of being infertile. I care so much for others, yet feel angry when friends announce they are pregnant. Those feelings just turn around and make me ashamed. There's no way to win.

I hope I am not pinning my everything on something that will never happen. I just have to get these feelings out, as they have been weighing so heavily on my mind. Thanks for listening.


Chynna said...

Thank you for sharing this. Your post broke my heart because I can relate so much to the temps, charting, etc. (I've had cervical cancer so my cervix is scarred and a bicornuate uterus...) We did it all too. We have 4 but it took some work and I don't exactly have the healthiest immune system.

I'm going to make sure all the mums I know struggling with infertility have your blog in their Favorites. You are doing great things here. <3


Esther and Brian said...

sending you big hugs...i felt very similarly before the twins were concieved...i worked as a rep for obgyn offices and i saw pregnant ladies all day long. it was hard. but let's keep the hope up and believe that it may just happen again for you. one way or another. i truly hope so and wish you the best of, well, luck, patience and health. Hugs from Illinois...

Souza Sisters said...

(((HUGS))) to you...

Safire said...

I have been having a lot of the same feelings and struggles too. Every month, I get excited and hopeful, then every month I am reminded that I shouldn't be. I'm also scared of starting up treatment and throwing money down a dark hole with nothing to show for it. It's frustrating, awful, and just plain not fair. *pouts in corner*

tbonegrl said...

I think the worst part of infertility is that it is such a silent disease. People are almost afraid to talk about how much pain they are in.

Thanks for listening and letting me lean on you, ladies

Lisa said...

I have that same tiny bit of hope every month, despite never being pregnant (we adopted 11 months ago). I hope both of our dreams come true so that we'll be able to add to our families, give our little ones a baby brother or sister. It's so disheartening, isn't it?