I am going to be quite honest.
Part of me feels like I have given up on ever being pregnant again. It would be silly to say that, because every cycle I get excited again, only to have my hopes dashed. I am an optimist. I know I am. I want to be angry and mad, I want to scream. But inside there is that tiny, nagging feeling. I am still, after all this time, hopeful.
Sometimes I wish the hope would go away. Sometimes I feel so stupid for thinking "Oh maybe this is the month!." I just have this feeling I am not done. I can't explain it. I don't know why I feel the way I do. God do I hope it's true.
We started our tax returns and a small part of me got really really excited. We're getting a little bit more back than I expected, due in large part to the crazy amount of money I spent on graduate courses last year, including the new certification I am getting. All I can think about is this summer: new RE, new clinic, and money to spend, hopefully, on IUIs so we can get pregnant.
But then my negativity comes back: what if this is just throwing money down the drain? We don't have money for IVF. If we do a few cycles of IUI this summer and it doesn't work, it might just have to be it.
The thought petrifies me.
I hate the uncertainty. I feel like I am in a constant limbo with a large part of me feeling so stupid to think I might actually get pregnant, and a tiny part of me keeping that flame of hope alive. Sometimes I get so mad, I just want to blow it out so I can move on.
The overwhelming sense of hopelessness is always there. I try to ignore it, but sometimes I feel like a cloud hangs over my head everywhere I go. It nags me: "Why chart? Why temp? Why try?"
I wanted it to be easy for once. I hate that it can't be easy.
I think I hate most of all the horrible mix of emotions and isolation of being infertile. I care so much for others, yet feel angry when friends announce they are pregnant. Those feelings just turn around and make me ashamed. There's no way to win.
I hope I am not pinning my everything on something that will never happen. I just have to get these feelings out, as they have been weighing so heavily on my mind. Thanks for listening.